(CP) Bella Coola, British Columbia
Bigfoot, speaking through representatives, has confirmed its intent to deliver presents to all the world's children tonight, Christmas Eve. Santa Claus, the traditional service provider, was last seen on Friday, being forcibly taken aboard an unidentified nonterrestrial craft.
According to sources, within hours of the kidnap, Santa's staff promptly executed an emergency "continuity of gifting" protocol and contacted the reclusive forest hominid. After a morning of negotiations with North Pole lawyers, Bigfoot issued a statement:
"It is a great honour and noble duty to step in for Santa Claus in this, his hour of need. I believe that my unique skill set of elusiveness, superhuman strength, and imperviousness to bionic men will allow me to fulfil the various duties set out heretofore in the many initialled and legally binding codicils."
When asked about the connection between the North American ape and the rotund Kringle, Bigfoot responded on his Ælfbook page: "As a sylvan creature myself, I know a lot of the elves. I have friended many and been friended in kind. In fact, a great many Keeblers I met on eHominid have flown up here to spend discreet weekends in my leafy bachelor-sized lean-to. I have nothing to hide."
The Santa-squatch has a loyal online following and is buoyed by the support. But it is also concerned that a firestorm of rumours will tarnish the holiday initiative.
"I have seen a lot of tweets that I am Beowulf and not Bigfoot," said the mythical primate on Twitter. "Totally wrong. Never been to Europe. Try google maps, dumbasses."
Bigfoot delivering presents to all the good children of the world. "The reindeer were delicious," said the cryptid through legal counsel. "And I apologise sincerely." (digital photo processing by Carrie Duplessis)